Less public, more private… what does that even look like? I have spent almost 15 years living a very public life. I know that a major part of my success has come from my willingness to be so open about everything. It has allowed people to connect and relate and because of that I have grown a very loyal following. I am so very thankful to the people that have supported me over the years. I was 19 when I started in this business and dealing with social media wasn’t really a thing. I mean, I had a blackplanet page lol, but that was about it. That world and this one are so very different. I have spent my entire adult life on the air- heartbreak, marriage, babies, divorce, death – I have experienced some very personal things very publicly. People have called me an over sharer and I am, I know that. They say it as if it’s this awful offense. Why can’t it just be that I navigate my life differently than you would choose to navigate your own? Why does either way have to be right or wrong? A lot of people also think that because I am a public figure it gives others permission to say whatever they want to me or about me, “well that’s what you signed up for.” I don’t know why I need to explain this, but that’s actually not what I signed up for. I didn’t even know what I was getting myself into by choosing this path and regardless, how does what I do or the position that I am in excuse anyone else’s asshole behavior? It doesn’t.
Anyways, I have a confession. I’m not so sure I want to do this much anymore, but I’m also not sure what not doing this looks like. I know that there have been some extremely beautiful moments and connections made over the last decade and a half, but there have been some extremely horrible and tough moments too. The publicity has not come without its fair share of drama.
For the sake of keeping health insurance for my children, I have had to endure things in this business, things I would have walked the hell away from if it was just me… but I have kids now and protecting them is key. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. It’s impossible to protect my girls, though, if I am not first protecting myself. This lifestyle is now massively anxiety inducing, it didn’t used to be, or maybe it has always been but I was just better at maintaining and coping.
A few weeks ago, after a complete mental breakdown (we will discuss that in episode one of the podcast) I deleted all of my social media for over a week. It was an instant relief. I felt a sense of freedom that I hadn’t felt since the day I announced my separation from my ex-husband. I felt at peace. It was also the first time in my career that I had ever disconnected and unplugged like that. Logging back on was terrifying.
I am starting grad school this summer, I am head over heels in love with a good man and I am contemplating having another baby (WHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTT!) – I know that I need different things now. I am not exactly sure what those things are, but I feel a shift and I am honoring it. I don’t think that it means I am going to walk away from all things media, but I do know that I need to do things differently. I KNOW that I need to do things on my own terms.
Launching this site, doing my own podcast is the first step. Feeling stifled or censored is not something I am comfortable with anymore. Having my own platform allows me to protect myself and my family better.
I am so thankful for the past 15 years. I don’t think we are breaking up- but I do think we need better boundaries. When I figure out what the hell that looks like lol, I will let you know.
Love and Light,