Let me tell you a little something about self sabotage. Self sabotage will fu*k your world up if you let it. I don’t necessarily think that people are scared to succeed, love, or live their best life. I imagine they are probably scared of the exact opposite, not succeeding, not finding love, and letting mediocre days continuously pass them by. Maybe sometimes the idea of failing is more terrifying than the success would be gratifying?
I am in love with a wonderful man and every day I have to remind myself not to fu*k it up. I’m not a reckless lover. I have had people be pretty reckless with my feelings and so I precede with caution when dealing with other people’s feelings. I don’t worry about cheating, I’d rather leave than cheat and while I am often skeptical of if men can actually be faithful, I trust him. Still, I worry.
I worry that maybe the past built a wall around my heart that, can be pierced, but never fully penetrated. I worry that the pain of the past may be the tour guide of the present. The thing is, the pain has subsided. I remember it too. One day I woke up and it just didn’t hurt anymore. When you are so used to feeling heartbreak, it’s shocking when it subsides. Not because you don’t want to be happy, but because while you’re in it, while the pain is still fresh you can’t imagine a day when it wouldn’t hurt anymore.
It happened though. So yes, the pain has subsided… but the lessons are there. I don’t hurt anymore but I remember what it felt like. I don’t hurt anymore, but I don’t want to hurt again.
Like a child who burns himself on a stovetop learns to not touch again, I learned that love hurts. Love is my stovetop. That child, by the way, he feels some type of way about all stovetops, not just the one that burned him. I’m not saying it’s fair, it just is what it is.
People can tell you to move on, they can tell you to get over things, but the past and present are so interwoven sometimes that it’s hard to really tell where you are.
I know where I am though. I am in a really good partnership, the best I have ever experienced. This is not then, he is not him, and I am not even that version of me… still, I WORRY.
Self sabotage will fu*k your world up if you let it. I won’t let it though, because if I do, the pain of the past becomes the pain of now and the future and that will be nobody’s fault but my own.
Instead I remind myself that I am worthy of love. I remind myself that love hurts sometimes, not always. I remind myself that this love could never be if that one never ended and somehow, I find solace in that.
See, self sabotage will have you wanting to pack your bags and run, but don’t. Unpack that shit with the one you love. The one who didn’t cause those battle wounds but who loves you despite them.
I’m not afraid to succeed, to find love or to live my best life we all deserve that. I’m afraid of NOT living up to my fullest potential, Not having a forever person, and Not living my best life. I’m afraid of mediocre days continuously passing me by.
Self sabotage will fu*k your world up if you let it. Don’t.