I’ve heard that time heals everything. And when people say it, I bet they WANT to believe it. The idea of feeling pain forever doesn’t sound appealing at all. Nobody’s signing up for that. Hurt shifts, bends, lays dormant and subsides, but does it really ever go away? I don’t think about my grandpa every day, but when I do it stings. I can literally feel my heart constrict. I miss him and in that moment the hurt still feels fresh… It’s been six years. Time did not heal this, not even a little bit.
Time. Two years ago seems so long ago, yet so close. Two years ago I watched you slowly lose your spunk. My vibrant little two year old stopped. Just Stopped. Stopped everything. Stopped moving, stopped working. Two years ago Doctor after Doctor got it wrong. I knew I had to fight for you and I did. Two years ago I cuddled you in a hospital bed, I admired your strength and I begged the universe to make you feel better.
You just turned four and when you blew out your candles I remembered how you spent back to back Christmases at the hospital, how your breathing terrified everyone. You were poked, prodded and biopsied and you were so tough, you were so strong and I was so grateful for your spirit.
It’s been two years and you blew out candles and I was right back in that hospital room, I felt it and it felt so real that I had to shake my head and remember that it’s been two years, that you are thriving, that we don’t have to be constantly scared. Time heals everything they say.
I don’t actively feel pain over exes or past trauma or drama, but the memories, when they do cross my mind, elicit emotions. I have hoped for indifference, to be able to let go of past hurts. and the hurt shifts, it bends and lays dormant…but the hurt stays, just in a different way.
Time is interesting. Time can give you your greatest friend, and enemy. Time can be on your side but you can also be out of time. Someone called me timeless once, a beautiful compliment, from a person I used to love and boom a ping, a cringe a tiny reminder of past hurt. The mind is triggered regardless of time.
Time has brought me so much happiness. The devastating loss of my Pa doesn’t consume my thoughts, instead it flickers in occasionally and the hurt is also a friendly reminder of his prescence. Time allowed my baby to thrive. To grow, to get her spunk back and did she ever.
Time turned pure anger into indifference. After more time indifference turned to co-parenting and co-parenting turned to friendship.
Time made a broken heart- a guarded a heart. More time allowed a guarded heart to let its guard down and time brought me him.
So, I’m not so sure time heals everything. It sounds good, I’ve probably even it said it myself…but whatever it is that time is doing right now in my life, THANK YOU.